In the beginning: Toxic Dynamics Confronted

The Awkward Encounter

It had been a month or so that Sean and I had been dating when I met his ex-wife for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose, but I had come to his house to pick him up because his car was in the shop. Unbeknownst to both of us, his oldest daughter, Sabrina, was getting picked up by her mom for them to run errands at the same time. So right as I pulled up to his house, so did his ex. I stayed in the car fully expecting to mind my own business and get out of there, but Sean came over and, with an awkward smirk on his face, asked if I wanted to meet Lena. I was literally in pajamas, wet hair, and not even sure if I had brushed my teeth that day – but I didn’t want to appear rude, so I got out of the car to meet her. As soon as I walked up to her to shake hands I was floored by how different she was in person than what I had in my mind. She was very petite and had an odd voice that I was not expecting! We said our pleasantries and then got back in the car. I found out later that the first thing she said to Sean about the encounter was “I wonder how she feels sleeping with my ex-husband.” I should have known at that very moment that Lena was not done with the marriage and that she was not going to make things easy for us. Sean and Lena had been separated for a year and a half but had not moved forward with the divorce. Part of this was because they were still “bird-nesting” for their kids, and part of this was because Lena was hanging on as tight as she could to the security of being legally married.

Living Arrangements

For those that don’t know, “bird-nesting” is when the parents are separated but alternate who stays at the primary residence. Sean said the original intent was to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, but I think he realized that it blurred the lines of the separation. He was legally still married and living in a marital home, just not seeing Lena daily. He was completely transparent about this on our first date, so I knew this was the current arrangement. What I didn’t know was how chaotic and codependent Lena was going to be, for the long haul. Sean’s outlook on things with Lena was that she just didn’t like change, and since they had been together for so long she was having a hard time making adjustments, (even though she was the one that initiated the separation). Lena and Sean had no plans of reconciliation, but Lena didn’t necessarily want to be on her own either. She very much wanted to keep the financial and mental security of marriage but didn’t want to be married to Sean anymore. So this created quite a challenge for us over the next couple of years.

The Waiting Game

Sean said that he had been “absent” from the marriage for many years, but that getting divorced was so overwhelming because of the chaos and strain Lena put on things. So when she finally initiated a separation, he was ready to go! Sean and I began dating and as things evolved, it was important to me that he follow through with his commitment to get the divorce finalized. But little did I know how difficult this was going to be. Lena wanted to make sure she could still get her hair professionally done, still maintain the lifestyle she previously had (only working 2-3 days per week, doing lavish events for their kids, etc.), and that everything was perfectly set up for her before she would sign the separation paperwork. She made sure she took as much as she legally could get from Sean before agreeing to the separation paperwork. It took 11 months from the time Sean and I started dating for them to sign an official separation agreement, allowing them to file for divorce.

Therapy

About six months into dating, and six months of hearing the same bullshit excuses about why Lena wasn’t ready to get divorced, I finally asked Sean if he was willing to join me during a therapy session. I had been in therapy for almost 8 years and was working through a lot of my issues from previous relationships, childhood issues, etc. Sean agreed and we started therapy together. I don’t think it was until this time that Sean truly saw how toxic Lena was, and how her resistance to move forward with the divorce was negatively affecting his relationship opportunities. So fast forward to 11 months later, and the separation paperwork was signed. Lena made sure to stick Sean with as many financial obligations as possible, but at this point, we were both so over it that we said “Just sign the damn thing so it can be done” and we figured out how to make the financial part work so they could finally file for the divorce.

Polar Opposites

For the first 15 months of Sean and I’s relationship, Lena and I did not speak directly. She knew about me because I spent time with their kids and Sean would stay over at my house. Every once and a while I would hear through the grapevine things she had said like “Why would you date a Democrat?” or “She bought you an Apple Watch, things must be serious.” At no point did I hear anything kind, positive, or respectful. So to say there was building resentment is an understatement. Lena chose to work part-time hours and chose not to go back to school, (even though Sean had offered to pay for it multiple times over the years). I couldn’t have been more opposite of her. I had worked 2-3 jobs almost all of my adult life, finished grad school and lived on my own during college and after my divorce. I didn’t in any way think I was better than Lena, but I also didn’t appreciate her desperate attempts to criticize me because I had different expectations and lifestyle choices than she did. Not to mention how she acted when Sean didn’t do what she wanted or didn’t meet her (ridiculous) expectations. Everything she wanted got twisted to somehow be “for the benefit of the kids” instead of just being honest about the fact that it was for her. She very much used their children to her advantage, especially their special needs daughter. If Lena wanted Sean to do something, she said “It’s what is best for the girls.” One example was the summer after we started dating, Lena was trying to go on vacation with their kids and her mom. She was pushing Sean to join them on the vacation so he could help with Kendra, their special needs daughter. Lena kept saying things like “Kendra will be able to have more fun if you’re there,” or “I can’t take her swimming so can you go with us so she’ll get to do that?” The list went on and on. Fortunately, Sean did not agree to this and knew this was not a healthy way to handle our relationship. The manipulation from Lena worked for a while until it didn’t. To make matters worse, Lena had failed relationship after failed relationship. She would start dating someone and within a few months, everything had fallen apart for them, again, and again, and again. You would think that someone would ask themselves after multiple failed relationships what the root causes might be. But according to Lena, it was always the other person’s fault. She was never willing to admit that there was anything she was doing that could have contributed to the problems in her relationships, including her marriage to Sean. Everything was his fault, she did nothing wrong, and he was the asshole.

Finally!

After they legally got divorced, Sean was an entirely different person. He was able to fully relax, and more importantly, he was able to make decisions about his life without having to worry about Lena using things as leverage or having to consider what she might do in retaliation. Granted she was still very manipulative and toxic, but Sean knew after they were divorced that there was nothing else she could do or take from him if she didn’t get her way. We were able to finally start thinking about our future and the things we wanted for our relationship and our family. That first year was pretty tricky, with a lot of tears and a lot of uncertainties. Having someone in the equation who is a combination of crippling anxiety, narcissism, and severe ADHD creates a tornado of chaos and constant criticism and attacks. It’s been a year and a half since they’ve been divorced and Sean and I are married, raising four healthy, crazy kiddos! We have learned through therapy, legal counsel, and lots of self-reflection how to stand united when Lena comes unglued. But to say it has not been an easy journey is an understatement!